For a year now we've been among the ranks of the unemployed. We have worked, planned, and searched for ways for my husband to stay in his trade (graphic design/graphics specialist). We've partnered with people and advertised. We've learned new skills.
And I have begged God.
Next month is what my nightmares are made of. Much of our savings depleted because of traveling to NY to see family (recent hard news has made it impossible to not go), our shingles are literally sliding off our roof- THAT needs to be addressed, and our unemployment will have run out. We will be 100% on our own with no net catching us except for the Lord our God.
Of course he is always our only sustainer but a good, steady income and healthy family make this appear to not be so. I've been here before and I'm SO easily tricked.
I believe in why we moved here. I believe our presence and work here (the work in us and through us) is work he wants done. And I know if he wants us to continue to be here, he’ll provide a way.
So I’ve tried to stop nagging my husband which has left me
nagging begging God. Instead of working to not fear, I’ve tried to simply take a breath and choose to rest. This means a lot of breaths throughout my days. Breaths when the racing heart and twitching eye come. Breaths when the tears are close. Breaths when my fear turns to anger and threatens to lash out against my husband.
I have always been at this place- hanging by a thread sustained by only One. Always. The only difference is now I know it.
Truly, my idolatrous heart longs to not know.
People have told us “God will take care of you” but honestly, sometimes I don’t like the way God takes care of me. These sweet people mean a job will be provided, income will be found. It might be. But memories surface of another time when God took care of me... A house reposessed. A family shattered. A fatherless daughter. Fear of loss weighs heavy. I didn’t like how God cared for me but oh, the communion in grief and sorrow. That is something to long for. That is something to treasure even when problems bigger than a job and mortgage press down.
As I wrestle with my thoughts the conclusion is always: He is good and this all can be used as good, if I let it. So, I breathe. Rest. Pray. And believe what he says- he loves us and has a good plan for us. Even if it’s hard.
Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares upon the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.