I kept meaning to update this site all last month (there’s a bit of pressure when your husband spent so much time making it ;) but it was so chaotic I didn’t make time. We spent the first week of February in NY visiting Matt’s family for birthdays came home for 3 days and then he left for a week long conference and I traveled around visiting family etc, a few days after he got home he was then sick for a week with a strep-like illness. Those are my excuses :)
SO my baby is now a year old! Oh my... insert normal “where did time go!” exclamations! This year has really flown. Except for our first few weeks of nursing trouble, he has been such an easy and happy baby from the beginning. I’m so thankful my introduction to motherhood has been so fun!
Bask in his cuteness... :) Thanks Emily for some of the photos!
This new role and relationship has taught me unexpected things. As I have been praying for him and thinking about what it means to raise this little man I have been confronted squarely with how little time we really have. The (Lord willing) years before us in this parenting relationship seem like a long time but the space between 17 and 27 seemed like so much as well... and here I am.
Is this an appropriate place for a bracket? I have no idea what these things are for...
[I want to preface what I’m about to say with this because so much of communication is lost in writing: I am not always struggling with fear. Ok, I often am. But not usually to this extent and not usually about the things I have been fearful of lately. I do not believe it is wrong to experience fear, anxiety attacks, or uncertainty. There are certainly things to be afraid of! However, I often experience irrational and chronic fear and I know I’m not alone. When I talk of it being dealt with as sin I am not saying that God is disappointed in you or that I am disappointed in myself. I AM saying that for many of us this is a process, a journey if you will ;), and while I seek change I also rest in the fact that God is so patient, loving, and compassionate. Christ is our great high priest who has suffered in every way we have and KNOWS our condition. He loves us. He isn’t disappointed in the work he is accomplishing in his body. He wants us. So while I work with his strength to put off these things that hinder and put on fruit of the spirit, I also rest in his finished work for me and for all those who are in Him.]
To be honest I’ve been having a bit of a mid-twenties crisis. I won’t go into the nitty gritty. It got pretty ugly and that isn’t really what this post is about.
I turn on the TV and see the idolizing of youth everywhere. We lift it up and use cliche phrases to describe its wonder like, “the road is wide open for you,” “the story is yours to write!” etc. It’s been difficult trying to put words to my conflicting feelings about motherhood, being 27, youth, and the future... The best word to describe what I’ve been feeling, besides fear, is urgency. A wide open road means no hurries, no confining commitments, and all the time in the world. This isn’t how the Bible tells Christians to live. We are to live in light of eternity and this means valuing what the One who holds eternity values. Urgency... to grow, to cast off the things that hinder and press into what God has called me to with energy. Urgency to put what I enjoy in its rightful place. When I stand before the Lord he isn’t going to ask how well decorated my house was. Urgency to invest. Invest in my neighbors, family, husband and friends. This doesn’t look like a list of “to-dos” but looks like, as I go, I take time to talk, share, and give. This includes the weird neighbor, the stranger at church, the unwanted family member. It looks like looking at those around me and seeing Jesus Christ.
I am very slow at processing things that are emotional to me. Very. And the scars of sorrow and abandonment come visiting at times as unwanted but safe companions. It’s easy for me to freeze and let go of relationships instead of pressing on and intentionally investing. That is where I have been the past couple of weeks, overwhelmed by fear.
2 Peter says this: 3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. 5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.”
Ineffective and unproductive.
I finally have my New Year’s goal (better late than never right?) and it fits right in to our fellowship’s corporate goal of discipleship- to intentionally invest in what the Lord has given me. Invest in the Lord, my husband, our son, and the families he has put around us. I have been so focused on what I need to DO, I’ve forgotten it’s about who I AM... A vine bearing fruit because it is connected to the Branch. (John 15)